What to do when an employee tells you they can't cope

Marta, who manages a customer service team, came to HR after a one-to-one. One of her team had told her: “I can't cope. I mean it.” She asked what she should do. Every HRBP hears that question a few times a year and usually answers it off the top of their head. Below is a script you can use straight away, no training needed.

The first two minutes

The employee has just said something that cost them a lot. If in the first two minutes they hear impatience or a ready-made answer, they'll back off and won't come back.

Do three things. Close your laptop and put your phone face down. Tell them you're glad they told you. Ask what exactly they mean, and let them finish. Don't offer solutions, don't ask about deadlines, don't check whether the project is at risk.

“I can't cope” means different things. For one person it's three weeks of too much work. For another it's six months of not sleeping and a marriage falling apart. You won't guess. Ask, “What's going on?”, and then stay quiet. The silence after a question is uncomfortable, but that's where the most important things get said.

If the conversation started in a corridor or the open-plan office, move it. Say: “I want to hear this properly. Have you got fifteen minutes now, or would after lunch be better?”

What closes the conversation, and what opens it

These close it:

• “Take a few days off, you'll feel better.” It pushes the problem back a week and says: I don't want to hear about this.
• “Everyone has bad days.” It dismisses what they've just told you.
• “I've got a lot on my plate too.” It turns their conversation into yours.
• “The team's counting on you.” It adds weight instead of taking some off.
• “Maybe it's a time management thing?” It suggests it's their fault.

These open it:

• “I'm glad you told me.”
• “How long has it been like this?”
• “What's the hardest part for you?”
• “What do you need from me, or from the company, right now?”
• “You don't need to have an answer now. We can come back to it.”

Don't play therapist

Managers and HR have one job here: notice, listen, and show the way. You don't need to understand where what they're going through comes from, or fix it. Trying to fix it usually ends in advice from your own life that doesn't fit someone else's.

You can ask about work: workload, deadlines, relationships in the team, what can be taken off them. You can ask whether they have someone to talk to about it. You don't ask about the details of their private life, medication or family history. If they bring it up themselves, you listen, but you don't dig. One line that works: “You don't have to explain it to me for me to help.” It takes away their need to justify themselves, and your need to judge.

If the company offers psychological support, be specific about it. Not “we've got a programme for that”, but: “You can book a session with a specialist today. Nobody at work will know you've used it. Shall I show you where it is?” Open the page together if they want. Sending someone to the intranet usually ends at the intranet.

When to refer on

There are signs that mean this is no longer a conversation about work. When you see them, you don't handle it alone.

The first: the employee says they can't see the point, that everyone would be better off without them, that they'd like to disappear. They don't have to say the word “suicide”. Take those sentences literally. Ask directly: “Are you thinking about harming yourself?” You're not putting the idea in their head. You're giving them permission to tell you the truth. If the answer is yes, or they don't answer, don't end the meeting. Stay with them and put them in touch with a support line or a crisis intervention specialist. The same day.

The second: violence. The employee tells you someone at home is hitting them, intimidating them or controlling their money. Or that they're afraid of what they might do to their partner or child. The third: alcohol or other substances that are no longer just a weekend thing and have spilled into the working week.

In each of these situations you have one task: get them in contact with a specialist, and make sure that contact actually happens. You don't diagnose. You don't promise everything will be fine. If the company has someone responsible for situations like this, you bring them in straight away, not after the weekend.

What to write down, and following up a week later

Write down the facts about work: the date of the conversation, what you agreed, who does what and by when. For example: “Project X comes off their list until the end of the month; we pick this up again on 21 March.” A note like that protects the employee, because the agreement doesn't vanish when the manager goes on holiday.

Don't write down what the employee told you about their health, family or state of mind. Not in the HR system, not in an email to your manager, not in a note “just in case”. That's health data and you have no basis for processing it. If you need to pass something up the line, pass on what was agreed about work, without the reason. The only exception is a risk to life. Then you record what you did and who you put the employee in touch with.

Most of these conversations end well and never get a follow-up. That's a mistake. Someone who has opened up once is watching to see whether anyone remembered. Go back after a week. Keep it short, over a coffee or at the end of a one-to-one: “Last week you said you weren't coping. How are things now?” If things are better, say you're glad and check whether what you agreed is working. If they aren't, go back to what else can be taken off them and whether they've spoken to a specialist.

Marta went back to her team member after eight days. Two of the five things they'd agreed were working. They fixed the rest. A month later he told her himself that he'd booked a session. She didn't know who with or what about, and she didn't need to. Mindgram works the same way: data about sessions stays between the employee and the specialist, and the company sees only an aggregate report.

Put the follow-up date in your calendar on the day of the first conversation, before you leave the room.